


Eternity. It is the sea gone with the sun

by Ragno



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Current Events, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-22
Updated: 2016-05-22
Packaged: 2018-06-10 01:01:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6931519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ragno/pseuds/Ragno
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He was just living his life, okay? He was happy. Kind of.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Eternity. It is the sea gone with the sun

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even know, I just had a bunch of theories and I though: 'why don't I write a OS about them?' Silly me. So this was meant to be a one shot. I don't know what happened along the way.

 

 

“Dude, you’re thinking too much about it.”

Ryan looks at Mickey and huffs, because he’s not thinking too much about it. Maybe _it looks like_ he’s thinking too much about it but he’s clearly not, the amount of thinking is appropriate given the circumstances. He wouldn’t have to think about it that much if he had thought about it before, but he didn’t, so now he’s fucked and he has to _double think_ about it. If that makes any sense. Ryan doesn’t know. Ryan’s not sure about anything anymore.

He was just living his life, okay? He was happy. Kind of. He had his girlfriend, he was working in music again and, oh, he just bought the most precious little Basset Hound puppy he could ever imagine. He was even playing hockey again, now able to pass the weekly drug test because, fuck yes, he’s been clean for quite a long time now. He didn’t even remember this year were the Fever anniversary. Ten years already, a fucking lifetime. He didn’t want to think about it, about those times, so he declined to be interviewed when some asshole called him at his fucking private number because it’s been long since Ryan stopped having a manager. He still doesn’t know how they manage to get his number.

The thing is, Ryan though that would be it, some magazine trying to get in contact with him and he declining it, he wouldn’t have to hear any word else about the matter. He hoped there weren’t more magazines interested in him, damn, he didn’t even know why any magazine would be interested in him at all, or in the Fever album for that matter. So he really thought nothing else would happen, even if he knew —yeah, he did, but he would never ever admitted it— that Brendon had talked about some anniversary party on Periscope. He never thought that Brendon, or anyone in the label, would want to have him in that party, mostly because he wasn’t on speaking terms with any of them and he knew that Brendon was having fun lately mocking his songs on Periscope. He just watched it when he was bored, okay? It’s not like he wanted to hear Brendon’s voice or anything like that.

So, when it happened, when someone contacted him claiming to be Panic! At The Disco’s manager (aka Brendon Urie’s manager) and invited him to the ‘A Fever You Can’t Sweat Out Anniversary Party’, Ryan was fucking pissed, and also shocked, but mostly pissed. So he bit his tongue to stop himself for telling that guy to go fuck himself and just hung up the phone when the guy was telling something about Brendon not wanting to carry on with the party unless he knew Ryan was going to go. Bullshit. Brendon didn’t give a fuck about Ryan going to the party or about Ryan at all. At least, that’s what Ryan thought back then. 

That’s why he almost had a panic attack when the day came and there was no party.

Brendon wanted him there, he had the fucking party planned and threw it all away because of Ryan. Brendon wanted him there. And now Ryan can’t stop thinking about if Brendon maybe would want something else too, maybe talk to him, maybe forget the past, maybe be friends. Or, the other option is that Brendon just wanted to please the fans having him there. Ryan though about it too, for a millisecond before hanging up the phone, to do it for the fans, but half of the fandom already hates him, so it’s not like he would make a difference. Ryan just wants to know why, why now, why him.

“Just ask Ryland for his number and call him. It’s pretty easy. Call him, ask him to meet up, buy him a beer, then ask him about the party thing.”

“I can’t, man! He’s going to think I’m a weirdo.” Or fucking insane. He hung up on his manager, for God’s sake. 

“He’s going to think you’re a weirdo? The man who has spent more than, what? Four years living with you 24/7? The man who happens to be _Brendon fucking Urie_ is going to think you’re a weirdo?”

And, well, okay, Ryan has to admit Mickey has a point. But that doesn’t mean Ryan can just pick up the phone and call Brendon like it hasn’t been more than three years, not after how everything ended in 2012. Not after how Ryan just ignored Brendon’s attempt to get back in touch with him. But, really, the Fever anniversary party? What was Brendon thinking? Did he really though Ryan was going to be in for that? And he tried to contact Ryan through his fucking manager, for God’s sake, of course Ryan thought is was just pure marketing.

“I can’t. It’s just… I can’t.” He says, shaking his head because it’s true, he can’t. He’ll just try to stop thinking about it and, with a little bit of luck, he’ll be able to forget about it in the near future.

 

*

 

“You did WHAT?” Ryan’s eyes are about to pop out of his head. He’s going to kill someone. Or himself. Yeah, that would be easier.

“I asked Adam to invite him to the Halloween party. He asked me if you were okay with that, and I told him it was your idea. He says he’s glad you two finally sorted out your differences.” Mickey says with a satisfied smile, and Paige look at them like she knows Mickey did wrong but doesn’t want Ryan to get mad about it. Of course he’s fucking mad. Now he’s going to have to call Adam, with whom Ryan hasn’t talk since this summer, and ask him not to invite Brendon, like he has the right to do that, to _prohibit_ Adam to invite anyone to his own fucking Halloween party.

“I have to call Adam.” Says Ryan, taking his phone out of his pocket while he walks towards the door, Helena following him with a confused expression because she doesn’t know a thing and probably thinks Ryan’s out of his mind. Well, breaking news, Ryan’s fucking out of his mind.

“It’s done, dickhead. The invitations are sent already. You think I’d told you if you had the possibility to do something about it? Go to the fucking party, talk with him and get over it.”

“Fuck you.” Says Ryan at the same time Helena asks: “Talk with whom?” And then Paige says something and the dogs bark at Ryan when he opens the door because he has to get out of there.

Helena’s mad at him the whole way home and doesn’t stop asking what the fuck is wrong with him, and Ryan wants to answer, he wants to tell her all the things that are wrong with him but he can’t stop thinking about the damned Halloween party and how Mickey fucking Madden has ruined his favorite holiday. He can’t stop thinking about Brendon and he hates that, he hate thinking about Brendon.

“We’re not going. We’re not going to the party.” He says and he means it, he swears to God he means it.

 

*

 

Of course they end up going. Ryan manages to keep his word for a total of three days and then he just gives up. He can’t do that to Helena, can’t punish the girl not going to the party because of his poor stress management. She’s been mad at him the whole time, and moody, and Dottie has teamed up with her and now the two of them growl when Ryan approaches them. Also, his handmade mogwai costume is too fucking awesome to end up in his closet gathering dust. Helena’s still a bit upset with him because she had to improvise his costume because of Ryan’s sudden change of mind, but she smiles when they get to the party and everybody compliments her hair. It’s just them for now, Ryan’s friends, because the guests haven’t start to arrive yet, so Ryan gets a drink while Helena goes to talk with the rest of the girls that are finishing their make-up in the bathroom.

Mickey is rehearsing with Adam and the rest of the guys because they’re going to put on a show tonight, and Ryan watch them play when Ryland  and Julia joins him. He feels a little embarrassed when Mickey looks at him from the improvised stage, regretting being an asshole to the guy when he just wanted to help Ryan. He’s sure Mickey won’t hold it against him, though, that’s why he’s one of Ryan’s best friends.

He is totally convinced that the drink is taking effect relaxing him when people starts to show up and proves him totally wrong. He goes to pour him another one trying to breath on the way, counting to ten and then to twenty, telling himself that everything will be all right. He spots Jeremy and Allison in the crowd, and goes straight to them, starting a conversation just to stop hearing how his thoughts have started screaming inside his head. Ryland joins them too and Ryan starts to feel a little bit better, but then Crystal’s there too, greeting them and saying something about being late because Brendon decided he wanted to go as a skeleton too at the last minute, and that’s it, that’s when Ryan’s ears start to ring.

It’s Zack’s voice the first he spots, because of course Zack fucking Hall aka Brendon’s shadow is here too. Of course. And Ryan doesn’t really know what to do, if he should stay or he should go, if he should say something or not, but his body seems to decide for him because he can move a muscle the moment he set his eyes in they heavy elaborated make-up on Brendon Urie’s face.

Fuck his life. No, really, fuck his fucking life.

Zack starts talking with Ryland cheerfully, and the girl that Ryan think it’s Sarah —Sarah Orzenchowski when he met her, Sara Urie now— doesn’t even look at him and joins the conversation with Crystal and Allison. Ryan doesn’t know if she didn’t recognized him or if she did but didn’t care enough to say something to him. However it may be, Ryan’s glad he didn’t had to talk to her. What was he going to say? “Hey, remember me? I’m the one who ruined your husband’s life so he run to you to save himself”? Maybe he should do that, maybe he should ask Sarah to thank him for that. He’s starting to think nonsenses. He needs another drink.

He’s pretty sure Zack has said something to him and he has said something back, but he’s so out right now he doesn’t know what could it be. Something about his costume, probably. Everyone loves his costume. His costume is fucking awesome. Zack keeps talking to Ryland and touches his biceps and Ryland laughs, and then Brendon laughs too and it’s fucking weird seeing his real teeth right under the fake skeleton ones. Ryan tries to spot Brendon’s lips under the make-up until he realizes he’s staring. He’s staring at Brendon’s mouth.

“Gonna get a refill.” He says and his voice sounds distorted, maybe because of the music or maybe not. He has turned around and walked away before anyone can say anything about it.

He works his way through the tide of people, getting to the kitchen, the fucking huge kitchen, fucking Adam, and looks around for a bottle of whatever that’s stronger than what he’s drinking now. While he fills the glass, though, he realizes that maybe getting drunk it’s not the best option right now. On one hand, he wants to drink until fucking pass out and forget about the most awkward moment of the history of his life, but, on the other hand, if he gets drunk to that point he might be ending up doing something so much more embarrassing that, even if he won’t remember, everyone else would. He looks at his glass and moves the ice cubes with the little black straw he’s got there. To drink or not to drink, that is the real question.

“Hey, Gizmo.” Ryan almost drop the glass when he hears the so familiar and at the same time unfamiliar voice, and thank God the glass is thick because Ryan grips it so hard it could break a thinner one. “What are you drinking. Can I get one?”

Ryan moves his head to look at Brendon, and he’s so fucking glad he wore this costume, because it hides the way Ryan’s body is shaking from head to toe, it hides how his pulse has gone crazy and it seems like his heart wants to get out of his chest.

“Here.” Ryan says, because before he can think about it, he’s offering Brendon his own drink, and he doesn’t know why, he doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing, he always act like a fucktard when he’s nervous. At least he’s still standing on his feet, as far as he knows, he could pass out right here right now.

“Oh, thanks.” Brendon smiles wide and Ryan almost choke on his own spit. The moment Brendon takes the glass from Ryan’s hand, Ryan brings it up to his face, rubbing his fingers up and down one of his sideburns and the nape of his neck. Brendon looks at him, looks at his hand and, well, awesome, now he knows Ryan’s nervous because Ryan can’t fucking control himself for a damn minute. “I like your costume. I almost didn’t recognize you at first.” He says drinking through the straw, and Ryan’s not going to think about how that straw was between his own lips minutes ago because he’s not a fucking teenager.

“It’s so awesome, right? I like the ears a lot. And also, uh, look.” Ryan says, speaking fast, like he has just a certain amount of time to get his words come out with any sense and then he’d just start babbling. He gets the mogwai gloves out of his hidden pocket, putting on one of them and showing it to Brendon. “Look at the details. The fingers are awesome, the texture and everything, but they’re not the best to grab things.” He explain, taking it off and giving it to Brendon just because of course Brendon’s interested in the texture of his mogwai gloves. Ryan moves while Brendon inspect the gloves, getting another glass and pouting himself a drink.

“You shouldn’t be drinking, it will turn you into an evil gremlin.” Brendon jokes handing the gloves back to Ryan, and Ryan snorts a laugh, shaking his head and looking down to put the gloves back in his pocket.

“This doesn’t count. It has to be food, and it’s not after midnight, anyway.” He explains, moving the glass to his lips, taking a sip. “Can’t feed after midnight. Can’t get wet.”

“I bet I can.” Brendon says with a smirk and something else that Ryan can’t read under all that make-up. “I bet I can get you wet.”

Ryan freezes. He must be making the dumbest face on earth because he can’t even feel it, he doesn’t know if he’s red or if he’s pale, he doesn’t know shit. The only thing he knows is that his heartbeat echoes inside his ears and his stomach twists and his mouth is fucking dry because what the fuck. No, really. What the…

“Uh.” It’s the first thing that comes out of his mouth. Clever. “I think I… I should get going, I…” He takes a step back, licking his lips and lowering his gaze and, woah, his drink is so interesting, look at the ice cubes.

“Hey, no, hey. Ryan, wait.” Brendon moves fast, grabbing Ryan’s wrist and holding him in place, preventing him from going away. “Dude, it’s just. It’s a joke. I was joking.” He says, laughing a little, but there’s urgency in his eyes, like he was desperate for Ryan to believe him. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t… It was just a joke.”

“Yeah, no, I know.” Ryan nods, forcing a laugh, shaking his head and looking down, unable to hold Brendon’s look right now. “It’s just, I should really get going. I haven’t seen my girlfriend since we arrived and…”

“Oh” Brendon cuts him. “You’ve got a new girlfriend?”

“Yeah, she’s. Yeah. Helena.” Ryan answers, nodding and only then looking up at Brendon. “We got a dog too. Dorothy.” He says, and almost immediately he regrets saying the dog’s name because now he’s thinking in The Wizard of Oz and the Emerald City and clicking your heels and wishing for… “Look, this is her. She’s still a puppy, but I fucking love her so much you have no idea.” Ryan says, showing Brendon a picture of Dottie on his phone.

“You’re living together.” Brendon says. He doesn’t ask, just says it and Ryan nods, letting Brendon take his phone when he grabs it to see the picture better. “I’ll let you go, then. You shouldn’t leave your girl waiting.” Brendon says, and Ryan’s sure Helena is not waiting for him, she’s probably drinking and having fun and forgetting how much of an asshole her boyfriend is. He doesn’t say anything, though, just waits for Brendon to give him back his phone. “Wait a second, let me…” Brendon press the button on Ryan’s phone, going to the main screen and then pressing the call button, dialing a number. “Here. This is my number, I guess you probably lost it.” Says Brendon, handing the phone back to Ryan, and Ryan wonders if he knows what happened with that girl, the one that impersonated him to talk to Ryan, the one who convinced him Brendon had changed his phone number. Ryan hopes he doesn’t, he wouldn’t be able to handle the shame. “Give me a call some time.”

“Sure.” Ryan nods, putting his phone in his pocket. And he’s about to go when Brendon talks again.

“Please.” He says, and Ryan looks at his eyes just for a second, just to see the plead reflected there, the way it makes Brendon’s eyes shine, the way it makes Ryan’s throat dry. “Please.” Brendon says again, and Ryan lowers his gaze, nodding.

“I promise.” He answers right before walking away from the kitchen.

 

*

 

He doesn’t call Brendon. He doesn’t because he doesn’t know what to say. Ryan doesn’t call people, people call him and sometimes he picks up the phone and some other times he just let it ring because his ringtone is Dawkins Christ by Refused and he’s always in the mood for good music. He texts him, though. He text ‘hey’ and then he adds a picture of Dottie wearing a Yoda costume. Brendon laughs and texts back a lot of cute emojis and a picture of Bogart chewing on a long stripe of bacon. That’s what they do the first day they talk (or text), just exchange a fuckton of pictures of their dogs. Ryan’s totally satisfied with that. It becomes something they just do, not every day or even every week, just when it happens. Ryan sees Dot doing something cute of funny and he snaps a picture, sends it to Brendon. Sometimes Brendon texts something right back, sometimes he doesn’t, Ryan doesn’t follow his schedule but he knows Brendon’s busy touring and stuff. Sometimes Ryan’s phone buzzes and it’s a picture of Bogart or Penny, sometimes Brendon’s there too. Ryan saves them all, he even has an specific folder for them.

It’s the middle of November when it happens, when Ryan sends Brendon a video of Dottie playing fetch because she’s such a good girl and she learns so fast. Brendon doesn’t text back, instead of that, Ryan’s phone starts vibrating and Brendon’s name appears on the screen, the incoming call startling Ryan. He doesn’t know what to do for a second, doesn’t know if he should pick up or not, he doesn’t know what to say if he picks up. Ryan looks at Dottie as if the dog had the answer. She could, if she knew how to talk. Ryan would just make Dottie take the call, everything would be so much easier. Ryan gives Dottie a dirty look for not knowing how to talk and decides to pick up. He won’t let Brendon hanging. He can’t.

“Are you free?” The voice comes out before Ryan can say hello. “Sarah’s out with her friends and I’ve got nothing to do, so I thought we could hang out if you’re free. I can come by if you want.”

It takes Ryan by surprise, the familiarity, how easily Brendon talks to him, how easily he just invited himself over like he used to do when everything was… different. Ryan’s not sure how he feels about it. It doesn’t disgust him, but it’s too soon to know if he likes it. It’s too soon to know if he can handle to like it.

“Uh, yeah, sure. You can come by. Actually, Helena’s working God knows where and I’m kinda bored.”

“Awesome.” Brendon says, and Ryan smiles big because he can hear the smile in Brendon’s voice, and that motherfucker is contagious even miles away. “Oh. Can I bring the dogs with me?”

“Oh God yes please.”

 

*

 

“Did something happen between you two?” She doesn’t need to say the names for Ryan to know exactly what she’s talking about. “You know, back then when you were in the band.”

They’re walking the dog and it’s fucking cold outside, that’s why Ryan hides part of his face in the collar of his coat, it’s just that. He doesn’t look at Helena for a while and, when he does, he tries to work out a laugh to play down what he’s about to say. He doesn’t want to lie to her, not just because he really thinks she could be the one, but because he’s not like that anymore, he doesn’t lie, not unless it’s strictly necessary. He can hide the truth, that he can do, and that’s what he’s been doing. But now she’s asking directly and it’s time to come clean.

“Something happened, yeah.” Ryan nods, chewing at the inside of his mouth and shrugging a little, looking at Dottie play with a broken wood stick. “It just… I mean, we were young, we didn’t know…” He stops himself there because he knows that’s bullshit. They were young, yeah, but they were Helena’s age now, so they knew exactly what they were doing. “Anyway, I fucked things up, I hurt him a lot, and then everything went to hell.”

“And now you’re friends again?” She asks, looking at Ryan.

She knows they’re seeing each other again, she knows because Ryan tells her, and he tells her because if he didn’t he would feel bad about it, even if they don’t do anything out of the ordinary, even if Ryan wouldn’t tell her if it were Ryland or Jeremy or Mickey. He tells her and even that way he feels weird about it. They’ve seen each other just a couple of times, not that Brendon has time for more, but it’s always been just the two of them, once at Ryan’s and the other at Brendon’s. Sarah wasn’t there that time either, and Ryan prefers it that way. He’s got nothing against the girl but it’s just that he can’t stand seeing her. Seeing Sarah reminds him of how bad he fucked things up with Brendon, how Ryan pushed him into Sarah’s arms just because he wasn’t able to hold him between his own. Ryan doesn’t hate Sarah or anything like that, he doesn’t even know her properly. It’s just… that.

“I guess. I wouldn’t say friends but… yeah.” Ryan answer and hopes that’s enough. He never liked to analyze his and Brendon’s relationship, any kind of relationship they would have.

“I bet you two looked hot together.” She says, looking at Ryan with a smirk and Ryan tries to laugh and ignore the lump in his throat. “We should get back home already, it’s getting late and tomorrow’s going to be a long day. I’m going to miss you.” She says, bumping Ryan’s arm with her own. “You have your ticket, right? You’ll be there for Christmas.”

“I don’t think I can make it for Christmas, but I’ll try to be there to celebrate the new year together, okay?” He says, smiling and kissing her forehead.

She wants him to meet her parents, to take the next step in their relationship. She already met Ryan’s sister, his little niece, and that’s a big step for him, because his family is not something he shares with anyone. So he thinks it’s fair, to be him the one to meet her parents now, even if that makes him fly all the way to Melbourne when he hates planes so much. That’s something you do for love. Ryan knows about taking flights for love.

He can see it, looking at her, he can see himself settling down with her. Helena is someone completely different from him, but that’s one of the things Ryan loves about her. She’s spontaneous, natural, a little crazy and sometimes hyper, she’s always moving, always doing something, laughing, dancing, doing handsprings and backflips and she’s just… God, she resembles Brendon so much Ryan’s stomach twist with guilt. But he loves her, he loves her and he’s going to prove it. They already live together, they got a dog together, he’s going to meet the family. This is so much more, it is.

 

*

 

“Where is she again?” Brendon asks, shoving potato chips in his mouth and licking his fingers before cleaning them on his own t-shirt to grab the controller. The motherfucker’s kicking Ryan’s ass. Ryan doesn’t think he likes this game anymore.

“Australia.” Ryan answers, bumping Brendon’s leg with his own hard to make him stumble and lose control of his car. It doesn’t work. “She’s working there, photo-shoots and stuff, and then she’s staying for Christmas with her family. I’ll try to finish what I’m working on to be there as soon as I can after New Year’s Day. It’s gonna take longer than I thought. Fuck! Shit! I hate this fucking game, come on!” He curses when he loses again and Brendon laughs his ass off, grabbing his belly and looking at Ryan amused.

“Oh my God, you’re such a loser. I’m half drunk and I’m still kicking your ass so hard, Ross.” Brendon mocks him, putting down the controller to grab his beer and that’s his fifth. Ryan stopped after the third because he’s not that much of a beer fan as Brendon.

“Shut your fucking dumb mouth.” Growls Ryan, standing up and picking some of the empty bottles to take them to the kitchen, throwing them in the trash. Dottie barks at him when she sees him near the cabinets and Ryan knows what that means, she’s such a piggy.

“Come ooooooon, you love my mouth.” He hears Brendon shout from where he is, and Ryan snorts a laugh and shakes his head, opening a can of dog food and emptying it in Dottie’s bowl. He looks at the pieces of meat, or what it looks like meat, and raises an eyebrow, grabbing a fork and piercing a piece.

“Hey, Brendon.” He calls him, letting himself fall on the couch near Brendon and holding the fork in front of him. “Eat this. Tell me what does it taste like.”

Brendon looks at him for a moment before taking the fork and putting it into his mouth. Ryan watches fascinated how Brendon leaves the clean fork on the coffee table and chews, making a face but not spitting it or anything. Brendon wrinkles his nose when he swallows, twisting his mouth and making an uncertain sound with his throat. Ryan raises an eyebrow, questioning.

“It’s like… greasy, I don’t know. It kinda tastes like meat but not? You know what I mean? Why are you laughing?” Brendon asks, and Ryan can’t hold it anymore, bursting into laughter when he looks at Brendon’s confused face. “What??”

“Dude, that’s Dottie’s food. You ate my dog’s food.” He laughs more when Brendon’s eyes get wider, looking at him unbelieving.

“Oh my fucking God, Ross, you’re such a sore loser! You made me eat your dog’s food out of spite!” Brendon accuses him and Ryan can’t stop laughing. He laughs so much Brendon starts laughing too, and then he starts to pinch Ryan, trying to get revenge in some way, pinning him against the couch when Ryan tries to defend himself. “You think you can win this? Keep dreaming. I’m stronger than you.” He’s not. Brendon can be strong, but Ryan’s been training for months now, he plays hockey every week and works out almost every day. So, no, Brendon’s not stronger than him, but he doesn’t need to be because Ryan stops moving every fucking muscle in his body when Brendon leans down and kisses him.

The time stops, or maybe it’s just Ryan’s brain what stops working, he doesn’t know, but the thing is that Brendon’s lips are on his own, Brendon’s tongue between them, Brendon’s breath against his skin. It’s just a second, or perhaps a little more, because Brendon grabs Ryan’s face and pushes with his fingers to make him open his mouth, grazing Ryan’s tongue with his own before sucking at Ryan’s bottom lip. And you can’t do all of that in just one second, it’s just impossible.

“How do you like that? Does it taste good?” Brendon asks with a superior smile, but his breath is uneven and his cheeks are pink, and Ryan can’t stop looking at his mouth with incredulous eyes because what… No, like. What the. What the fuck. “What?” Brendon asks like he doesn’t understand why Ryan’s looking at him like he just witnessed a UFO sighting. Equally delighted and fucking freaking out.

“ _What_? You just kissed me!” Ryan answers, and he moves from where he is when he feels his muscles getting slowly back to normal. Brendon rolls his eyes and shakes his head.

“So? We’re friends, right? Don’t you kiss your friends all the time?”

“Fuck no!” Ryan answers quickly because _he doesn’t_. Brendon looks at him a little inhibited, and his cheeks get redder, like a kid who just got caught making a mischief.

“Well, I do. You know I do. It’s no big deal.” Brendon excuses himself trying to sound sure, but he licks his lips and blinks a lot and Ryan knows he’s nervous. Ryan can still tell when Brendon’s nervous. “We’re friends. I kiss my friends. I can kiss you.”

 _No, you can’t_. That’s what Ryan should tell him. He should tell him no because he doesn’t kiss friends even if Brendon does, no because they’re not even friends, not yet, Ryan doesn’t feel it that way, there’s something still lacking between them. No. Because Ryan’s still not over him, fuck, Ryan’s still in love with him, and everyone knows you shouldn’t kiss someone you’re in love with when that person’s married even if it’s okay with them.

“Yeah. Yeah, okay.” Ryan nods instead, because Brendon’s looking at him like any other answer would break him in a half, and Ryan can’t do that, can’t break Brendon now even if that means he’s going to have to break himself.

“Awesome.” Brendon smiles, leaning in and kissing Ryan again, this time slower, this time deeper, and Ryan hopes Brendon doesn’t notice how his lips start to shake under his own, how the touch of their tongues makes Ryan melt.

“And why did you do that now?” He asks when Brendon breaks the kiss, trying to sound totally unaffected.

“Because I can.” Answers Brendon with a satisfied smile.

 

*

 

He should tell Helena about it.

But if he tells her, doesn’t that means that he sees the kisses as something they are not? It hasn’t even happened that much, just the first time and then a couple more. Helena’s already pissed because Christmas has passed and New Year’s too, and Ryan keeps delaying his flight. She’s pissed because Ryan told her the truth, that he wants to wait until Brendon’s new album drops because then he will go on tour and Ryan will be free to go to Melbourne or anywhere else without thinking that he’s missing the chance to be with Brendon, to hang out with him, whatever. He knows it sounds bad, but it’s really not like that. It’s just… It’s Brendon, _his Brendon_ , the one that Ryan hasn’t seen in _years_ , it’s normal for him to want to spend as much time together as they can. Helena should understand. Sarah does, Ryan thinks, he’s not sure if Brendon tells her where he goes or whom he text with until three in the morning.

But they’re friends. Kind of. That’s what friends do. They text each other and the hang out together and, some times, they kiss. It’s just…

 

*

 

“I don’t want you to come anymore.” Her voice sounds tired, and maybe it’s because of the time difference and maybe it’s not. Ryan swallows because he doesn’t understand.

“What? Why?” He doesn’t get it, he bought the ticket already, he bough a fucking butt cushion for the plane seat, he booked a flight while Brendon’s still in LA because he wanted to see her (and Brendon’s tour won’t start until the next month in the end, but that’s another whole story). His fingers move nervously and he pats his lap to get Dottie to come up with him so he can pet her. While his fingers are busy petting Dottie, they’re not trying to twist each other.

“Ryan, have you even listened to the album?” She asks, and now Ryan’s totally lost.

“You mean Brendon’s? No, I…” He says, and he hopes his voice doesn’t sound so shaky at the other end of the line. Of course not. Of course he hasn’t listened to the album, to the songs that are absolutely not addressed to him in any possible way. He hasn’t listened to the album because he doesn’t want to think about it, about the album or the band or any other implication. All of that’s over. He and Brendon, they’re friends now, or maybe not friends yet but they’re getting there. Yeah, they’re getting there, and that’s new, this is something they haven’t been ever before. Just… friends.

“Ryan, I don’t think I love you anymore…” She says, and that he understands. Damn right he understands. Ryan’s kind of an expert in losing people.

“Oh.” He says, because what else could he say. He probably should feel like shit right now because he lost the girl he thought could be the one, but he doesn’t. He feels like shit because he let down the girl he thought could be the one. Because now he knows no girl can be the one. “So, your parents…”

“I told them we broke up.” She cuts him and, well, that’s it then. At least she’s not crying, so Ryan hopes he hasn’t hurt her as much as he could, but maybe she’s just holding it back. Ryan doesn’t know, but she’s strong, Ryan knows that, she’s a strong woman and Ryan’s glad he had the chance to share the time they spent together with her. He’s going to miss her. “You’re in love with him, did you know that?”

“… Yeah. I guess I am, yes.” Something in his chest twists. This is the first time in years he admits it out loud. It hurts. It hurts so much it feels wrong to feel like that because of his feelings for Brendon and not because his girlfriend just broke up with him.

“You probably should do something about it.” She says, and well, yeah, Ryan knows that. He should have done something about it long ago. It’s not like he hasn’t try. It’s just… Nothing seems to work when it comes to forget Brendon. “I still care about you, you know? I want you to be happy, Ryan. But I want me to be happy more, and I’m not sure if I can do that while helping you.”

“Does that means you don’t want to be friends?” It wouldn’t be the first time. He understands, he doesn’t want to be friends if that’s going to hurt her. Ryan remembers how he and Keltie tried to be friends.

“No, I want to. I just don’t know if I can.” She says, and she sounds sincere. “We’ll see, Ryan.”

 

*

 

People are freaking out, that’s what some of his friends tell him, and Ryan finds it kind of funny. He can’t believe there’s still people who care that much about him, _fans_. Fans of what? It’s not like he’s making any progress when it comes to music, he still has his project but everything that’s going on right now is just too much. He needed this break from social media. Now that Brendon’s album is out, everybody is talking about how some lyrics can mean this or that, how this song resemble to that one, how the album is mostly written about, well, him. Ryan doesn’t want to think about that, not now when he and Brendon are getting along so well again. They never talk about music, not even once, they just use the word ‘work’ when it comes to composing or touring or anything like that, but they never address the subject. Brendon never asked him to listen to the new songs and Ryan never said he did, so every time they talk is like they’re on their own private world where music is not part of their daily life.

‘ _Wanna hang out?_ ’ Ryan texts. It’s been almost a month since they saw each other. 

‘ _Thought you were in australia. Something happened?_ ’ Ryan looks at the text on the screen and thinks about his plane ticket and his bag still packed.

‘ _We’re not together anymore_ ’ He replies, and he hopes that’s enough. He’s not sure if he could explain to Brendon why he and Helena broke up.

‘ _Oh._ ’ Brendon texts backs, and just a while later, ‘ _so who are you dating now?_ ’

Ryan laughs at that, shaking his head and rubbing his face with his hands because what is he supposed to answer? It’s funny the way Brendon suggests that he would break up with Helena just because he had someone else in mind, because he wanted to date someone else. It’s not a bad guess, though, just that Ryan won’t have the opportunity to date that someone else.

 _I’m trying to date you right now_ , that’s what he thinks about texting back. He doesn’t, because the flirting/joking conversations they used to have back in the day are not allowed now. Instead, he just answers ‘ _no one_ ’ and waits for Brendon to say something back. Brendon takes a few minutes to text back but, when he does, Ryan smiles.

‘ _Come home. Sarah’s in michigan visiting some relatives. Bring beer_.’

Ryan’s not exactly a fan of going to Brendon’s home, the few times he’s been there he feels like he’s intruding somehow. Mostly he doesn’t feel safe. He likes to spend time with Brendon alone, but he can’t feel confortable knowing someone like Zack can come over in any minute without warning. So Ryan texts: ‘ _Do you mind coming here?_ ’ And he thinks about telling Brendon he’s in some kind of personal retreat right now, he’s not even leaving the house, but Brendon text back ‘ _sure_ ’ and Ryan thinks they can talk about that later.

He likes his house. He likes his rugs and his furniture, his plants and his paintings, he likes the way the light changes colors when it comes through the curtains and he likes the sound of the trees when the wind blows. He likes having Brendon there, because it looks like he belongs. It’s totally different than when Ryan visits Brendon’s home, the open spaces and the light so white Ryan feels it’s going to make him disappear, dissolve. Brendon fits here, though, between the expensive candle holders and the old books and the rare vinyl records. Brendon belongs here with the rest of the oddities that conforms Ryan’s life, Ryan himself being the strangest item.

“How much money do you spend in candles? Be honest.” Brendon says when he gets there and Ryan opens the door barefoot and wearing a hideous sweater according to Brendon. Ryan looks around, counting around ten candles distributed all over the living room.

“They’re a necessity.” Ryan clarifies, and Brendon laughs and looks at him like he’s crazy, and Ryan can’t help but smile.

Brendon drinks a beer and Ryan drinks a cranberry smoothie while they play video games in Ryan’s bedroom. Brendon steals Ryan’s smoothie a couple of times and Ryan feels really proud of himself when Brendon compliments his smoothie-making skills. He thinks about making a joke about Brendon being a smoothie-making expert, but he’s not sure if jokes about the past are allowed between them yet, so he shuts his mouth and keeps playing. One of the weird things that happens when Brendon visits Ryan is having him there surrounded by guitars and not play anything. Ryan should probably stop leaving his guitars scattered all over the house, but there’s nothing he can do with the grand piano, and he’s seen how Brendon looks at it. He’d love to hear Brendon playing it.

“I can make one of these for you.” Says Ryan when Brendon finishes his beer and pouts at him, showing him the empty bottle.

“ _Or_ I can keep this one.” Replies Brendon, taking Ryan’s smoothie from his hand, bringing the straw to his lips and sucking. “You know what would make this a lot better? White rum.”

“Are you that bored you need to corrupt my smoothie with alcohol?”

“Yes!” Brendon laughs when Ryan frowns. “Just kidding, come on. I’m not bored. I’m with you. I can’t get bored with you.”

Ryan swallows and lowers his gaze with a shy smile because what can he say to that? He blinks a couple of times, looking at the crumpled sheets of the bed, because of course the bed is unmade, his bedroom is always a mess, and wonders if he should go to make a couple of smoothies more, maybe add a little bit of white rum to please Brendon, maybe use more than a little bit.

“I think I’ve got a bottle of white rum.” Ryan says, and Brendon’s eyes sparkle.

“Go get it.”

He does.

 

*

 

It’s been a long time since Ryan has gotten drunk, since that Phases show got out of hand and suddenly everyone was saying he was an addict. That hurt him a lot, having people saying those things about him, telling lies. Ryan doesn’t think he’s ever been an addict. That’s a really strong word, addict. He has abused drugs, that’s true. He’s taken a lot of shit, especially after everything went to hell with Brendon and they stopped talking and Brendon got married. He just wanted to get out of his own head, and it worked for a while, the life of ‘sex, drugs and rock&roll’. It worked until it stopped, and Ryan wouldn’t go back there, he wouldn’t. But being an addict is so much more than that, and Ryan’s always being aware of what he was doing. He’s pretty sure he hasn’t taken more drugs than Brendon in his life, nor alcohol either. He still has a complicated relationship with alcohol.

“You’re not gonna get drunk.” Ryan informs when he get back on the bed with the rum bottle and Brendon raises his —Ryan’s— smoothie glass so he can pour the white liquid in it. “I’m not gonna let you.”

“Come on, you’re no fun.” Brendon pouts, getting closer to Ryan walking with his knees on the bed, sitting in front of Ryan and sucking through the straw when Ryan mixes the rum with the smoothie. “This is fucking delicious. Give it a try.”  He says, taking the straw from his lips and offering it to Ryan.

Ryan licks his lips before lowering his head and holding the straw with two fingers, taking it between his lips and sucking a little. It’s good, Brendon’s right, and Ryan makes a satisfied noise when he swallows. Brendon smiles wide and gets a little closer again, his knees touching Ryan’s legs, taking the straw out of Ryan’s lips and bringing it back to his own. And Ryan’s not sure why he feels something warm gathering in his lower belly, he doesn’t know why the atmosphere’s changing fast and he can’t take his eyes away from Brendon’s lips around the white straw. He doesn’t know why his mouth dries and he has to lick his lips when Brendon pushes the straw towards them, the air getting thicker and Ryan’s heartbeats echoing inside his ears along with the music of Tom Waits playing in the background.

“It tastes good, huh?” Brendon says. No, Brendon whispers, because they’re so close there’s no need to raise his voice.

“It, um. Yeah. Yes, it…”

“I kinda wanna taste it on your tongue.” He says, and Ryan’s heart stops right away.

He’d like to say something back, but he’s not sure his vocal cords work anymore. There’s so much going on inside his head right now, inside his body, that Ryan can’t move before Brendon does, taking the smoothie away from between them and leaving it on the bedside table, grazing Ryan’s body while doing it.

Brendon’s fingers are holding Ryan’s face before he can register, and he only closes his eyes when Brendon’s so close his smell clouds Ryan’s senses. It tastes better, it tastes so much better on Brendon’s tongue that Ryan can’t hold back the low moan that escapes from his chest. He breathes short and ragged right into Brendon’s mouth, because he can’t risk breaking the kiss and stop feeling this, stop tasting Brendon’s cranberry mouth, so warm and wet and perfect for him.

“You taste so good.” Brendon whispers, licking into his mouth and pressing their bodies together, placing one hand on the mattress to push and make them fall, getting on top of Ryan when his back hits the bed. “It tastes so much better on you.”

Ryan moans once again and just let himself go. This doesn’t feel like friendship, this doesn’t feel like the kisses you share with a friend if Ryan could even know how those feel like. This feels like Brendon, his boy, his sun, his world, his Brendon. And he doesn’t care anymore, he doesn’t care if he gets out of here broken in a million pieces, but he wants this, he wants whatever Brendon can give to him.

He groans when he grabs Brendon’s face, kissing him rougher, almost violent, biting Brendon’s lips and dragging them between his teeth. Brendon laughs and says something about Ryan’s stubble scratching his skin, but he doesn’t moves away, instead he pushes his fingers through Ryan’s hair and holds him in place to kiss him better, to kiss him good.

“Your boner is digging into my hip.” Brendon says with a smug smile when he breaks the kiss, panting, moving his hip so Ryan can feel what he’s talking about. Ryan would turn all shades of red if he wasn’t already flushed.

“Oh. Fuck. Sorry. I didn’t…” He didn’t notice. He was too lost in the kiss to realize he was getting hard. Not like it surprises him.

“It’s fine.” Brendon says, shaking his head and looking at Ryan for a second, licking his lips and lowering his gaze down Ryan’s body. “Want a little help with that?”

Ryan lets out a loud laugh because this can’t be real, Brendon can’t be serious, he just can’t. But Brendon laughs too and bites his bottom lip and looks at Ryan closer, and the air gets stuck in Ryan’s throat and he suddenly can breath.

“What? You’re gonna give me a friendly blowjob?” He tries to joke, because this has to be a joke.

“Would you like that?” Brendon asks, and his smile fades when he does, touching Ryan’s cheek with his nose and whispering. “Would you let me?”

Of course he should say no. He should move away and ask Brendon to stop whatever he’s doing, he should ignore how his heart is pounding hard in his chest, how his cock grows impossibly hard in his jeans, how many times he’s dreamed about this. He should do a lot of things, but right now it’s difficult for him just to look at Brendon and breath evenly at the same time, it’s difficult to hold back the wave of emotions crashing inside him when Brendon kisses him again softly, like testing, almost shy.

“Please.” He says with pleading eyes, the words against Brendon’s lips, because he’s not strong enough for this, he’s not, he’s weak. Brendon’s always made him weak. And he wants this, he wants, he wants Brendon back. But having this won’t make him have Brendon back, it’ll be just Brendon’s body, and Ryan’s not sure if that’s worth the pain that will come once he’s gone again.

“I’ve missed you.” Brendon whispers as his lips runs down Ryan’s neck, expert fingers working Ryan’s jeans open. “I love you.”

Ryan closes his eyes and shivers, his whole body melting under Brendon’s touch, getting goosebumps when the cold air touches the sensitive skin of his cock, Brendon’s warm breath making the contrast maddening. He kisses right there, plump lips open wet to leave soft kisses along Ryan’s length, the touch so soft and sweet Ryan’s not sure if he’s dying or he’s already dead. He’s missed this. Not just having Brendon on his knees but the shocking intimacy of Brendon’s lips around his cock in the quiet of his room with soft music and short gasps filling up the air.

He tangle his fingers on Brendon’s hair, holding him in place to move his hips a little, just a little, just to watch mesmerized how his cock slides in and out of Brendon’s mouth, how it looks so perfect right there, shiny red lips like candy warped around him. And he could come just like this, paint those red lips white, let his orgasm drip down Brendon’s chin, kiss him clean. He doesn’t, though, because he wants something more, he needs something more.

“Come here.” He says, pulling at Brendon’s hair not as gentle as he should. “Stop that, come here. Brendon.” Just saying his name, just acknowledging that this is him, this is Brendon, Holy Mother of God, _Brendon_ , makes his stomach turn and his blood boil. Something explodes inside him when he brings his mouth to Brendon’s when he kisses him and he can taste his own cock on Brendon’s lips, on Brendon’s tongue. Something makes him shiver, holding Brendon closer and biting him, licking him, wanting to eat him alive as his hands work on Brendon’s clothes, almost ripping them off. “I need to be inside you. Are you going to let me fuck you? Huh, baby?” He asks when he pulls Brendon’s shirt over his head, sliding his hands down Brendon’s back to push his black jeans down, grabbing his ass cheeks hard.

They finish getting naked while Brendon pleads “yes, please, please” under his breath, moving frantic to get rid of their clothes and press their bodies together, skin against skin, their mixed heat warming up the room. Ryan reaches the top drawer to get the lube and condom, leaving the latter on the bed and squeezing the lube on his fingers, moving Brendon to get on top of him, pushing his tongue into Brendon’s mouth at the same time he pushes two fingers into his body. Ryan needs to close his eyes for a second when he feels the tight warm channel open up for him, making Brendon moan when he twists them.

“Ryan, please. Now.” Brendon pants and Ryan nods kissing him again, getting his fingers out just to wrap them around the base of his cock and guide him inside Brendon’s body, teasing just a little because he can’t help it, rubbing the head along the puckered hole a couple of times before pushing, the condom long forgotten lost in the crumpled sheets.

“Look at me,” Ryan asks, pushing the wet hair out of Brendon’s face, his eyes wandering through Brendon’s features, his lips, his eyes. “Look at me, Brendon.” He says, thrusting with his hips until he bottoms out. “Say my name again.”

“Fuck, Ryan.” Brendon moans, leaning back his head and making his back arch when Ryan starts moving, the pleasure so overwhelming his whole body trembles. “ _Ryan_.” He says again, when Ryan digs his fingers in Brendon’s thigh, pushing up his leg, opening them apart, fucking him deep, hard. “Oh my God, Ryan.” And that’s when he start to laugh. He laughs and moans and gasps, and Ryan knows this is it, this is where he wants to be the rest of his life, buried deep inside of Brendon, making him lose his head.

If Ryan doesn’t kisses him as much as he wants to, it’s because he loves to _hear_ Brendon. Hear everything that comes out of his lips, every dirty word, every lecherous sound, how obscene Ryan’s name turns coming out of his mouth. He wants every gasp and every breath, and he opens his mouth on Brendon’s neck, feeling the vibrations against his tongue, licking at the salt of his sweat, wanting to keep his taste forever.

“Wanna come inside you,” Ryan whispers, and Brendon groans, tangling his legs around Ryan’s waist and lowering his hands to grab Ryan’s ass, pushing him down further inside him, moaning ‘ _gonna come, gonna come, Ry_ ’ before rolling his hips and rubbing his hard cock between their bodies, spilling himself while he digs his nails on Ryan’s skin.

Ryan kisses him violent, swallowing Brendon’s moans and thrusting harder, deeper, fucking him through his orgasm and feeling Brendon clenching around him. It’s hard to hold back from then on, every cell in Ryan’s body thirsting for more, wanting to consume Brendon, get under his skin. Ryan feels the burning sensation crawling up his thighs and down his stomach, gathering between his legs. He bites Brendon’s lips maybe too hard, panting inside his mouth, moaning when the orgasm hits him hard and fast, spilling himself inside Brendon, the warm fluid leaking out of his body when Ryan moves away, falling exhausted on the bed and grabbing Brendon’s face to kiss him once more.

 

*

 

Ryan’s not sure if it’s been as long as it feels like since the last time he and Brendon got together. He wants to believe it’s just the circumstances. Brendon’s busy with the promotion of the album, playing shows and stuff the most part of the time, Ryan’s working on his new music and some other projects, short movies, music videos for his friends, they don’t really have the time to meet up. They haven’t talked too much either, nor texted. Ryan doesn’t want to freak out or anything, but sometimes he get anxious thinking about how he could have fucked up everything between them all over again. 

The worst thing is he can’t talk about this with anyone, because of course he hasn’t told anyone, he’s smarter than that. He could talk about it with Helena, but she’s probably not that inclined to talk to him since she unfollwed him on social media after deleting every one of their pictures together. He didn’t get it at first, but he just needed a few days to know she was already dating someone else and maybe she wasn’t the one after all, Brendon involved or not. He’s thought about talking to Z about it, he always ends up talking to Z about everything, but Z can be a little rough when it comes to these topics and Ryan’s not sure he can handle her sassiness right now.

In the end he talks about it with Dottie, because he knows she would understand anything he says, she would love him anyway. Ryan thinks that, after all, maybe _she_ is the one, maybe he should forget about girls and guys and Brendon and just live happily ever after with his dog.

‘ _Saw deadpool last night. Laughed my ass off. Have you seen it?_ ’ Ryan doesn’t expect getting that text, and he’s embarrassed to admit his fingers shake a little when he types the answer.

‘ _I have. Reminded me of you. Obnoxious fuck_ ’ He texts back, adding some kissing face emojis just to clear up he’s joking.

‘ _Dick jokes. That’s my thing_ ’ Text Brendon after typing like a hundred ‘ha’s. Ryan’s going to say something else, but he sees Brendon’s still typing. ‘ _I can sneak away from work for a few hour, are you busy?_ ’

‘ _Come home. I’ll be waiting for you_ ’

Ryan can’t say he doesn’t get nervous. He’s nervous as fuck. 

He’s not sure about how he should act around Brendon anymore. The last time they saw each other they ended up fucking, but before that they were just friends, or something like that. Friends who kissed. Whatever. And now Brendon has texted him in a total casual way, asking about movies and stuff, just like nothing happened. 

Ryan’s not sure if he can act like nothing happened. He can try, though.

Dottie’s getting impatient because it seems like somehow she knows Brendon’s coming. She loved Brendon the minute he set foot in the house because of course she would love him. She’s just like Ryan. He knows Brendon’s there when she starts barking and waving her tail, running around like crazy before the doorbell rings. Ryan licks his lips and takes a deep breath.

“Hey, how are y—?” The door is not even the whole way open when Brendon gets in like a tornado, smiling wide and fucking shining bright. He kisses him before Ryan can finishes his sentence, wrapping his arms around Ryan’s neck and pressing their bodies together, opening Ryan’s mouth with his own and sucking on his lips, biting gently.

“Missed me?” Brendon asks breathy, smiling and pressing their foreheads together, laughing in disbelieve when he looks at Ryan. “‘Cause I fucking missed you like crazy.”

“Yeah?” Ryan swallows hard, trying to keep his composure because this is not what he expected at all and his body is reacting in a million different ways. Brendon just nods and kisses him again, Dottie barking and running around them, and Ryan just hugs Brendon closer, kissing him back and letting all his fears dissolve in their embrace.

 

*

 

It’s fun, from then on, like it used to be. Sneaking around, hiding, meeting in some hotel room in some nameless city where Brendon’s playing a show, playing video games online, texting, texting, texting. Ryan’s too busy having the time of his life to realize this looks too much like before the break up. Not the band break up, their break up. How eager they were for each other when they settle disputes sometimes after the split, how they would say a place and an hour and they would meet anywhere, anyhow, just to see each other, just to touch, to kiss, to fuck. And then Brendon started to get too involved again, started to ask for more. 

Ryan had thought that, since then Brendon had a girlfriend, he wouldn’t be so demanding, he wouldn’t ask Ryan for things he couldn’t do. Brendon didn’t understand that they couldn’t come out, not them, or at least, not him. Ryan was out of business, but Brendon was still in the public eye. Coming out would be a disaster for the band. Ryan could see it, everybody could see it, even the label could see it, that’s why they wanted to get rid of Ryan in the first place, because what they had was starting to be too obvious. Ryan left, abandoned his dreams, because he knew Brendon would be able to make it alone, because Brendon deserved it. He wouldn’t do that to him, coming out now when Ryan was out of the picture and Brendon had a brand new band, and brand new girlfriend.

Things went to hell quickly. Brendon asking why, why Ryan couldn’t love him enough to be with him, to be with him for real, and Ryan just shutting his mouth and letting it be, breaking on the inside but knowing it was the best for Brendon. They could always be friends, right? They could. He never imagined how bad would it hurt to look at Brendon walk away from his life, to be sure this was it, there were no coming back this time. Ryan crashed and burned so hard he really though he wasn’t getting out of there alive.

Things are different now, though. Now Brendon’s married, now the band is in the fucking top charts, and Ryan’s sure Brendon knows now how coming out would be disastrous for him. Also, Brendon’s happy with Sarah, genuinely happy. This thing they have, this is just fun. Ryan hasn’t though about what would happen if Brendon got divorced. Divorced, for God’s sake, it’s sounds ridiculous. Marriage… 

“How is he?” Ryan asks because, speaking of marriage. “How is Spencer?” He looks fine in the pictures, he looks happy, healthy. 

Brendon looks at Ryan and sighs, biting his lips a little when something sparkles behind his eyes, something that looks like sadness. Ryan doesn’t get it, why would Brendon be sad? Is there something wrong? Did something happened to Spencer?

“Ryan… you could try asking him yourself. I mean, maybe…” Oh. So that’s it. Brendon’s sad because of them, because of Ryan and Spencer.

He shouldn’t. It’s been years since Spencer stopped talking to Ryan, and Ryan doesn’t blame him. He understands. Ryan was in a very bad place and Spencer was struggling with addiction and, really, Ryan gets it, he wasn’t the best company back then. Of course he hoped it would get better with time, that he and Spencer would be the way they were when the bad times were past. He still thinks he and Spencer would get back together at some point. Spencer just needs time. He’s always been the greatest stubborn. It’s true Ryan didn’t expect to follow his best friend’s —his brother’s— wedding through Instagram, but, well… Things are the way they are.

“It’s okay.” Ryan says, and tries to smile. He’s always been so bad at fake smiling.

“It’s not, Ryan, come on!” Brendon snaps, frowning and moving on the bed to face Ryan. “He’s friends with fucking Jon Walker but he won’t talk to you?!” Brendon looks so frustrated, and Ryan has to laugh at that because, really, Brendon’s irrational hatred for Jon is hilarious. He still thinks Jon was responsible for everything that happened, for the musical differences. He still thinks the musical differences were the main reason for the split. Brendon’s so naive sometimes. That’s something Ryan loves about him. “He receives notifications for your tweets, he still cares about you, I know that.”

“Well, that’s a shame, because it’s been months since I was locked out of my Twitter account. Someone changed the password. I don’t know if they’re posting anything, but that’s not me anymore.”

“Oh.” Brendon makes a face, twisting his lips. “He doesn’t know that.” He says, frowning a little. “Why don’t you try to get it back?” Ryan just shrugs. He doesn’t care about Twitter, Facebook, whatever. He’s not a public figure anymore, he’s sure people doesn’t care about what he posts. “Anyway, just talk to him, okay? Please. You can’t miss Spencer’s wedding.”

 _I missed yours_ , he thinks, but he doesn’t say it out loud.

 

*

 

“You’re seeing _someone_.” Z says, and she looks at Ryan with that expression that says she knows more than she should. Ryan doesn’t like how that ‘someone’ sounds. She already looked at him funny when he told her he wouldn’t be joining the whole gang in Coachella this year, that he would go on his own, that he had things to do, _work_. It would have been too weird to be with the guys and just disappear without an explanation. It didn’t work as well as Ryan planned, though, because he wasn’t counting on Sarah coming too, so he just had enough time to see Brendon, fuck him in his hotel shower, kiss him goodbye and getting the hell out of there when Sarah posted she was heading to the festival. Ryan made use of that extra free time to go see the Kings play (and fucking lose) and have and alibi, because of course everyone was freaking out about the two of them being in the same place. Fucking social media.

“What? No!” Ryan answers as fast as he can, and he feels his heart beating in his throat because sometimes Z’s able to see through him and read him like a book. She calls it intuition, he calls it witchcraft. 

“So it’s just a coincidence, then, that you’re glowing and always look relaxed and well-fucked, and recently Brendon Urie doesn’t seem able to stop talking about you when he used to avoid your name like the plague.”

“ _What?_ ” He laughs, trying to sound like Z’s talking nonsense, so hilarious, so absurd, he’s so fucked.

“Baby, you know you can talk to me, right? Even if it’s about your boyfriend.” She smirks. He hates her.

“He’s not… We’re not… It’s complicated.” It’s really not. He and Brendon are having an affair, all over again. And he and Brendon are getting too attached to each other for their own good. All over again.

“It’s always complicated with the two of you. Just be careful, okay? I don’t want this to be 2013 all over again.”

“This time’s different. He’s married now, and the band is getting fucking huge. He won’t leave his band and divorce his wife because of me.”

“Why not? You left your band and broke up with all of your girlfriends because of him.”

 

*

 

Ryan has seen the interviews, he’s joke about it with Brendon because, come on, did he really think TMZ was asking about _him_? TMZ probably doesn’t even know Ryan Ross exists. It’s too funny. Brendon just told him to fuck off and laughed at it, getting all red when Ryan teased him about how he couldn’t get him out of his mind. “You should stop thinking about me sometime, ” Ryan had say. “It’s not you, babe, it’s just your cock. What was your name again?” Brendon had reply, and then Ryan had to make Brendon remember his name over and over again by fucking it into him as hard as he could.

They have fun fucking, they always did, because they fit like puzzle pieces, they complement each other better than anyone else. Ryan loves Brendon’s demanding words, how he wants and wants and wants, every ‘kiss me’, ‘suck my cock’, ‘eat me out’, ‘fuckmefuckmefuckme’, and Brendon loves being praised and manhandled at the same time, how Ryan grabs his hair and calls him a good boy, how he fucks hard into him, how he pushes him against the bed and whispers sweet nothings in his ear.

“You broke me.” Brendon groans, trying to roll on the bed to put an arm around Ryan’s wait. “I’m broken. My poor innocent ass hurt like hell.”

“Your ass is anything but innocent,” Ryan laughs.

“My ass is a fucking saint, Ross,” Brendon retorts.

“It’s all your fault,” Ryan laughs, snuggling closer, feeling hot and sticky but not caring about it, “you’re the one who wanted to ride me like this was a fucking rodeo.”

“I’m the best cowboy in town.” Brendon smirks, pouting a little bit later. “But it still wouldn’t hurt that much if your cock was human size. And that’s all your fault.”

“Oh, is it?” Ryan laughs, getting closer, sliding his hands down Brendon’s side, grazing the skin with his fingers. “Do you want me to do something about it?” He asks, moving his fingers to slip them between Brendon’s butt cheeks, toughing lightly, feeling Brendon shiver against him. “Do you want me to kiss it better?”

“Yes. Please.”

Ryan makes him come again, holding Brendon’s ass open with his hands, pushing his tongue inside, licking, sucking, tasting himself there. He bites hard, even if he knows he can’t leave a mark, just to hear Brendon moans every time he does. He fucks him again, slower this time, enjoying the pleasure of feeling Brendon already slick and fucked open, getting goosebumps at every soft gasp that escapes Brendon’s mouth.

Brendon falls asleep fast after that, and Ryan goes to his living room to play his grand piano for a while. He doesn’t play any specific melody, just lets himself go. The music flows through his fingers, the tune filling the air and Ryan’s chest at the same time, every little one of his feelings put right into it.

“That’s beautiful.” Brendon’s voice makes Ryan stumble and press the wrong key, his heart beat speeding up when he turns his head to the side and looks at Brendon. Ryan’s not sure if he woke Brendon up playing or he’s gotten so lost in the music he’s lost the track of time. “Do you know how long has it been? How long since I hear you play?” Brendon asks, and his voice is not harsh or inquisitive, but it makes Ryan lower his head anyway.

“Brendon, I…” He starts, but the words come out broken and choked, and he doesn’t know how to keep going.

“Can I?” Brendon asks, sitting beside him with a soft smile, placing his fingers over the keys. “I promise I won’t play anything ours.” He says, and Ryan knows that when Brendon says ‘ours’ he doesn’t mean Panic, he means them.

He can’t say no to Brendon, never could. Saying no to Brendon is one of the hardest things Ryan’s ever done in his life. He doesn’t say anything, though, and Brendon, as always, takes that as a yes, starting to move his fingers in such an expert way it makes Ryan blush and get a little embarrassed of his own abilities. Brendon looks at him and smile, brushing their arms together and making an encouragement move with his head. Ryan has to take a deep breath before he stats playing again, feeling his chest swell when Brendon’s smile gets bigger, brighter.

They jam for at least half an hour, too immersed in the music to realize what they’re doing. Ryan’s sure it’s been ages since he’s composed something as good, as beautiful as what they’re doing right now. It’s been too long since his music hasn’t meant that much. It’s when Brendon starts singing, when he knit together a bunch of words to Ryan’s music and makes it whole, when something hits Ryan hard and fast, so much he has to stop playing.

“We’re so good together.” Brendon whispers, stopping him too after a few seconds, leaning in and raising a hand to hold Ryan’s face, getting closer together until their lips touch. His warm breath caress Ryan’s lips when he speaks again. “I love you.”

“I know.” Ryan says, the lump in his throat so big it’s choking him. He keeps his eyes close even after Brendon leans back, and he can feel it, can feel the disappointment, but he doesn’t want to see it too.

Ryan doesn’t open his eyes until he hears Brendon play again, knowing he’s not looking at him anymore. He watches Brendon as Brendon pretends he doesn’t care Ryan watching him, just playing some random melodies, sad, broken melodies. Ryan’s not sure if this is worse or not.

“Gonna make some tea.” Ryan says, his voice calm and quiet, taking his time to stand up the bench because he’s not sure if his legs are working properly right now. Brendon just nods, not looking at him, just playing.

Ryan would love to say it back. He would. There’s nothing else in the world more important to Ryan than seeing Brendon’s face lighten up hearing him say ‘I love you too, I’ve loved you all my life, I won’t stop loving you until the day I die’. He can’t, though. He can’t because he has recognized it, that tone in Brendon’s voice, the tone that means Brendon’s ready to do something crazy, to do something stupid. He’s heard that tone before, and he can’t allow that. He can’t let Brendon throw away everything he’s achieved for him. For nothing. And Brendon would, Ryan knows he would. He’s already been talking about having a break from music, maybe try acting, theater, musicals, some Broadway shit even, and it’s not that Ryan thinks Brendon wouldn’t success at whatever of those things, of course he would, but it’s stupid to do it because of some naive idea that leaving the music business would make it easier for them to be together.

He’s about to pour the hot water in the glasses when some familiar notes fill up the air, making him burn his hand with the teapot because he forgets to use a tea towel to grab it. Brendon starts to sing before Ryan can do anything about it.

_Turn down the lights; turn down the bed._

_Turn down these voices inside my head._

“Brendon.” He calls, his voice pleading. “Don’t”

“What? Why?” Brendon asks, pretending he doesn’t know what Ryan’s talking about, laughing. “It’s just a song, man.” He says, and he sings again, looking at Ryan’s eyes this time. _Lay down with me; tell me no lies. Just hold me close; don't patronize. Don't patronize me_.

“Brendon, please.”

_'Cuz I can't make you love me if you don't. You can't make your heart feel something it won't. Here in the dark in these final hours, I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power; but you w—_

“Stop.” Ryan grabs Brendon wrist, the music ceasing abruptly and leaving just the tension thickening the air. Brendon laughs when he looks at Ryan, and Ryan hates it, hates that fake laugh, the one that he always uses with everyone when he feels he needs to hide any emotion else. “Don’t do that with me. Save it for someone who doesn’t know you.”

This time Brendon laughs again, this time for real, this time sadder.

“I hate it so much, that you know me that well. It’s not fair, you know?” He says, lowering his head and biting his bottom lip hard, maybe too hard. His eyes are shining when he looks back at Ryan and something in Ryan’s stomach twists. “I feel so loved when I’m with you.” He says, snorting a laugh and shaking his head. “I’ve never felt so loved than when I’m with you. Isn’t it ironic?”

“No, fuck, Brendon, I just…” Ryan seats beside him, tangling their fingers together and squeezing Brendon’s hand. He needs Brendon to understand. “Please. I just…”

“I think I’m gonna go home, Ryan.”

 

*

 

“Do you want to sing _what_?” Dan’s looking at him like he just said he wants to sing the fucking nazi german anthem.

“We found love, by Rihanna,” he deadpans, and Dan’s eyes grow bigger as Mickey starts laughing like crazy.

“This is awesome. It’s awesome. Ryan, you’re my hero. A fucking Rihanna song. At Emo Night!” Mickey’s almost crying. Ryan doesn’t think it’s that much funny. It’s a little bit funny, but not that much.

“You said I could sing a song with the band, I don’t see what’s the problem,” Ryan says. Dan looks like he doesn’t know what to say to that.

“I like it, Ryan. I think it’s a pretty good choice,” says Paige, and Ryan smiles at her because that girl is the only one who gets him, he swears to God.

“Don’t you think some other song could be better? Like a song that’s not outside your vocal range?” Dan asks and this time Ryan frowns. He doesn’t like his vocal range to be insulted. He knows his vocal range pretty well, thank you very much. He’s aware of what songs he can and he cannot sing without being out of tune. He doesn’t give a fuck about that right now, he hasn’t chose the song because of how well he can perform it. 

“You better start rehearsing the fucking song, because that’s the one I’m gonna sing.”

This song is not about putting on an spectacular show, it’s not for people to beg him to come back to music, it’s not for fans. This is because he doesn’t know how to use words unless they are on a song, on paper, on anything other than his simple voice. And this song means something to them, to him and Brendon, it did back in the day, when everything went to hell. 

‘ _It's like you're screaming, and no one can hear. You almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important, that without them, you feel like nothing. No one will ever understand how much it hurts. You feel hopeless; like nothing can save you. And when it's over, and it's gone, you almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back so that you could have the good._ ’

Ryan won’t use the narration part, of course he won’t, but it won’t be necessary either. _We found love in a hopeless place_ , that’s all he has to say. And he knows Brendon will see it, sooner or later. Maybe he’ll come or maybe someone would record it, put it on YouTube, Instagram, whatever. Brendon will see it, and maybe he will understand. _It’s the way I’m feeling I just can’t deny. But I’ve gotta let it go_. Because if he doesn’t, if Ryan doesn’t let it go, God knows what could happen. Maybe all hell would break loose.

Even if it’d feel like opening the gates of heaven.

 

*

 

It’s been weeks and Ryan hasn’t been able to contact Brendon since the fight. He’s not even sure if it was a fight, but it sure feels like it. He knows he was at Spencer’s bachelor party, he’s seen the pictures. Brendon looked good. Happy. Not broken. And that’s awesome, actually, because that makes only one of them, then. Of course it’s not like Ryan has been secluded at home crying himself to sleep or anything like that, that only happened once and it wasn’t that big of a deal. Ryan’s used to feel like shit. He’s been trying to clear his head, and when that didn’t work, he tried using how he felt to work on some tunes. It’s going pretty awesome, actually. Everyone of his friends who have heard the songs loved them.

Z’s been a little bit worried about him, though. Now that she knows, because of course, _of course_ she knows, she’s afraid Ryan’s going to relapse somehow, that he’s going to fall in the same self-deprecating pit that almost kill him years ago. She’s even offered herself to talk to Brendon. “We both play at the Hangout Festival,” she had say, “I can find him and make him come to his senses.” Ryan had kissed her and hug her and told her no, because he doesn’t need that, not yet, he’s still strong enough to bear this, although he’s thankful for having her. Ryan doesn’t know what would he do without Z sometimes.

“Why don’t you come with us?” She says the moment Ryan picks up the phone, not even waiting for him to say hello.

“What?” Z thinks he can read her mind. Sometimes he can’t even read her _words_.

“To the Hangout Festival. Everybody’s coming. You can come with us, that way you can find your boyfriend and make him come to his senses by yourself. What do you say?”

“He’s not my boyfriend.” Ryan says, rolling his eyes, and he ignores how Z says something along the lines of ‘sure, honey’ and he keeps talking. “And also, if I go, nobody can know, okay? We already fucked up in Coachella.”

“I knew you two were fucking back then, you sneaky son of a bitch!” She laughs, and Ryan has to smile because, come on.

“Z, I’m serious.”

“Don’t worry, honey. No pictures, no videos, no nothing. I promise. Now pack your bag and meet us at your door in half an hour. We’re leaving today.”

“What?? Z, I need like, a whole day at a minimum to pack! Half an hour, are you crazy?” She is. She’s fucking crazy.

“My God, baby, why do you keep trying with girls when you’re obviously so gay?”

“Shut the fuck up.”

 

*

 

He doesn’t even have a room to stay, of course everything is booked due to the festival, but Z says he can stay with them in the condo they’ve rented for the weekend. The worst part of going with the guys of Phases is that they got there a day before Brendon, and that’s time Ryan uses to think what the fuck he’s going to do over and over again. “It’s going to be okay, man, I promise. I know. Call it intuition.” Z has said, and maybe Ryan had relaxed a little bit because of that.

It’s weird spending so much time with these guys now, having in mind how it used to be a couple of years ago. Everything has changed so much, they’re getting old. The outrageous nightlife has been replaced by going home early, planning dinner parties, getting engaged. Alex’s engaged, good God, his Alex is going to get married. And of course they still have fun sometimes, some crazy fun, but it’s not like it used to be, and Ryan can say he likes it that way.

It’s impossible not to talk about it, about Alex engagement, because it’s something still new and exciting. It’s not like they were planning the wedding already, but they talk about how would it be, like a first draft. Alex is in some way like a brother to Ryan (minus the fooling around, but that was a long time ago, it doesn’t really count anymore), so he’s not surprised when he knows his name is among the ones they’re considering to be the best man. It’s an honor, even if Ryan doesn’t know if he could do it properly.

There’s no way he wouldn’t think about Spencer after that. He’s going to miss the wedding of the only person that’s been by his side almost his whole life. And Ryan doesn’t even care about weddings anymore, he doesn’t think about them as the precious sacred thing he thought before. But it doesn’t matter, because this is not about how important a wedding is to Ryan, but how important it is to Spencer. And he’s going to miss it. He’s going to miss the most significant event in Spencer’s life.

‘ _Hey, how are_ ’ he types, deleting it almost immediately. What is he going to say? Is he really going to pretend that they haven’t talked in years? Would Spencer want that? Is this even Spencer’s number anymore? Ryan takes a deep breath, and starts again. ‘ _Spencer, this is Ryan_ ’ he types, and something twist in his stomach when he wonders if he should add ‘Ross’, if he’s not important enough in Spencer’s life to go by his first name anymore. He deletes it again, breathing a few times so he manage to not freak out. The next time he starts typing he knows it’s the one.

_‘I don’t even know if this is still your number, I hope it is. I know a lot has happened and I know I’m not always the best at fixing things. But I still think of you as family, and I love you like a brother. And I miss you. So I was just thinking that maybe we could talk. Just talk, and then see how things go._

_R.R.’_

 

*

 

The day has come and Ryan’s so nervous he doesn’t even know what to do. He’s been hanging out with Anthony on the beach, and then with Alli and Jeremy in their condo. He doesn’t want to be seen too much because if Panic! is playing that means there could be fans anywhere, and the last thing Ryan wants is for someone to recognize him. He’s had three cups of tea by the time Panic arrives to the festival, because Brendon decided to scope on his way there and Ryan was dumb enough to watch it.

He thinks about going to the beach, trying to find him, but then again, if some fan would catch them together it would be a total disaster. Z says his best option is to wait until the evening, when the band plays, and get in the backstage with the Phases pass. That would mean that the whole band, including fucking Zack Hall, would know. Ryan’s not sure what’s better, the band to know or the fans. At least, with the band, he’s in good terms with Kenny, and he doesn’t even know the drummer, it’s true he and Dallon don’t have the best relationship but Ryan’s pretty sure Dallon won’t say a thing. Zack is the problem. Zack’s the only one who can make it all go to hell.

“Man, are you still here?” Jeremy says when Ryan picks up the phone. “Come to our condo, we’re about to leave for the beach, but Crystal says there’s someone who wants to talk to you.”

“Someone?” Ryan asks, and he doesn’t even hear his own voice because of how hard his heart is beating right now.

“Just come, man. We’ll be waiting. Don’t take too long.”

Ryan’s fingers are shaking a little when he hangs up the phone, taking a deep breath and thinking about how many possibilities there are that that someone is not Brendon. Of course, it could be anyone, Jeremy’s weird that way, but Crystal is Brendon’s friend too, and it was her the one that wanted Ryan to come to their place. Z says something about how her intuition never fails and laughs when Ryan doesn’t know what to wear.

“Your man is wearing a fucking hawaiian shirt, I think you’re fine, RyRo.”

While he walks down the street that goes to Jeremy’s condo, he thinks that maybe he should have drink another cup of that relaxing tea before coming here, because his palms are sweaty and his body is shaky and Ryan swears to God if this is another one of those ‘let me introduce you to this producer because he’s _awesome_ ’ Ryan’s going to kill someone.

“Hey, finally! We’re already leaving,” says Jeremy when he opens the door, not even bothering to close it because they’re ready to go. “Close the door when you guys leave. He’s waiting for you in the living room. Come to the beach later, huh? There’s a hot tub, man!”

Ryan just nods even if he stopped listening after the ‘he’s waiting for you’ part. The guys leave saying some ‘see you later’s and closing the door behind them, leaving the apartment in complete silence. Ryan’s still standing right there near the door, trying to find the courage to take the first step and face whoever that’s waiting for him. He doesn’t even know if he wants it to be Brendon, because what if it’s Brendon and just wants to tell him to get the fuck out of his life? What if this is the official end of them?

“Are you there? Or did you leave?” The familiar voice startles Ryan before he sees the familiar head peaking out the edge of the living room. “Jesus, Ryan, come here. I don’t have the whole day, I have a show to play, dude.” Brendon laughs, shaking his head before disappearing again.

Ryan swallows and starts walking, feeling his muscles tense and thinking about all the things that could make him calm down right now. None of them seem to work.

“Hey.” He says in almost a whisper, looking down at his own hands. “You wanted to see me?”

“I don’t have much time, but yes. Yeah, I wanted to see you.” Brendon says calm, and Ryan can hear the smile in his voice. When he looks up, Brendon smiles wider, soft. “Look, I wanted to apologize. I know I… I’ve been acting like a fool. You know I’m a bit of a drama queen and… I just needed time, you know? To understand that I was asking for too much again, and you’re in your right to… well, to feel different about me than I feel about you. It’s been too long and things are so different now and…”

“Brendon.” Ryan interrupts, biting his lip and walking closer. “I love you.” He had to say it, he couldn’t stand it anymore. Brendon deserved to know, he deserved to free himself from that prison. And it’s true, they’re getting old and things are changing and feelings seem to matter now more than anything. Ryan can’t let this go, not again. Ryan can’t let him go. “I love you. I love you,” he repeats, because now that he’s said it it seems like he’s stuck and just can’t stop. But Brendon is smiling and if Brendon smiles, then nothing can go wrong. “And I’m scared, okay?” He laughs, making Brendon laugh too. “I’m scared and I don’t want you to do anything crazy, I don’t want to be the reason. But I love you. I love you, Brendon, fuck, you don’t even know how much I love you.”

It feels good to get it out of his chest, to see Brendon’s smile and his laugh so clean, so pure. “I love you too,” he says before closing the distance and kissing Ryan, putting his arms around his neck to press their lips together. Ryan hugs him tight, still laughing while kissing him, closing his eyes and letting the familiar taste fill up his senses. He touches Brendon’s face with the tip of his fingers when they break up the kiss, looking at him, watching him like it was unreal. It feels unreal.

“How did you know I was here?” Ryan asks, and Brendon just shrugs.

“I knew Phases was playing here too, so I just hoped you were coming with them. Then I saw Crystal and some of your friends, and she told me they were with you yesterday. I just though I should take the opportunity.”

“I came to see you. I wasn’t, I just… I just wanted to talk to you one last time,” Ryan says, feeling his cheeks getting warmer.

“Well fuck that one last time,” Brendon laughs. “And you don’t have to worry, I won’t do anything crazy, I promise. I know, I’ve learned. We’ll take things easy. I want to talk to Sarah about it, when we’re ready, when she’s ready. She's still one of my best friends. And we’ll just… see what happens.” He says, smiling a little. “So, what do you say?”

“Okay,” Ryan smiles, nodding, hugging Brendon closer.

“Okay?” Brendon repeats, smiling wider.

“Yeah. Yeah, okay.” Maybe things couldn’t get better, after all.

 

*

 

‘ _Come home. Let’s talk_ ’

Reading the text message from Spencer, Ryan smiles.

 

 

 


End file.
